In your absence

We were not quite on the same boats. But still we had so meticulously created space in between where we could become one and get dissolved in one another. And that moment! was the best of all ecstasies life could gift me ever! Now i want to ink sth on them but what? i was never told.

Peeping from the window alone, I see the same stars but they don't look any brighter. I feel the same wind kissing me but withered on the vine is its aura and it no longer soothes me. I can no longer feel like weightlessly swinging in the air. A loner heart here no more feels like flowing in river wryingly glaring at those departed peebles on the unknown bay, which neither belongs to the land nor does to the water itself. How far that peeble, once appeared to me at a stone throw from the broiling water really was?

Ever since i met you you have always been a bastion in my highs and lows of life. Definitely the one to weather that unforgettable storm was me and myself. Nobody on the earth could be 'me' afterall. But in your eyes my aches disappeard and there i could touch my dreams equally unfazed as ever. At the risk of sounding corny, I would say you were the only one who cocooned me from the adverse aftermath. You inspired me, lent ear to this battered and bruised 'infante' and pushed me to take further steps. That, as you told, wasnt the end of life. I am here now.

I am starving for words to let you know how arid my days are here without you. Let the distance separate us, let the time build its own wall but can never flag is the love between. You have written so much on my memory that no effort can erase it and you have inscribed so clear that no finest rewriting can distort the lines. Distance, they say, makes the heart grow fonder!

On the Road to Liberty

Well, today – its women’s day – a day of women in other words. The entire world is echoing with the mounting slogans on equality and women’s liberty. It’s nice to know that at least, once a year, the voice of feminists (equalists, in my words) are paid due respect. Thank god at least a day is there when every two legged anti social animal get to know that women are really starving of rights. And it’s a high time that the new emerging world of justice and globalization should leave no stone unturned to tail off any sort of abuse. Its simple thing perhaps every layman can well carve it out. But the question arises what is liberty esp. women’s liberty in this respect, who is to do what and from where the change is to be kicked off? The entire thrust lies upon how to define the word liberty in this semi conscious world.

Liberty at least for me is the autonomy – full authority to decide what one wants to do. If we relate as such, then women’s liberty would still be the mater of far cry. All in all the most irking matter is that still majority of women lack even the slightest notion of where they are and where they stand. Lack of the capacity to identify one’s position (relative) is the crux of the problem

No doubt, the women are still clashing with thunders of discriminations and I don’t think it is essential to pin down where their rights have been violated? Ask yourself, then pore over your domestic lives and then look around, it will be more than enough to fathom the bleak world of women. Really pathetic it is! Still the concept of housewives – this heart fed up with all these things is in quest for the word househusband as well. Getting weary of all those aching words, this delicate eardrum is seeing to hear ‘god bless! No matter whether you’ll have son or daughter, the caring is the thing that makes a difference!’’ At every crucial hour of life, a girl’s life is equated with dowry and at the time when a glittering rays of future is about to dawn, then no doubt she needs to get busy with wedding. Ultimately, toying with same kitchen appliances, getting their aspirations crushed with the curries and burnt with the fire is what their life ends up with. This blatant avarice in input have always compelled women to avow the inferior status as the only option.

Marriage, in fact constitutes slavery for women. For sure, Men and wife are the one but that one in our society is the husband. The discrimination thus intensifies even more breeding economic and social subjugation to men. Much regretfully, this relentless usurpation can be well mirrored in every sphere of development where the half skies barely get space to speak their mind. Even their sacrifices have never been esteemed in this materialistic world despite the fact that it is the motherly love and earthly inspiration upon which the entire civilization stands. For sure, this selfless edifice will one day need a crowning glory and the history long domination will beg a tremendous compensation.

Why the hell sovereign future of girls lurks as a vexing question in every family? Hats off Nepalese for we are shouting to create our destiny by ourselves! We are pronouncing so vigorously for our autonomy in every aspect which is true to the spirit of times as well but what about the women autonomy? Will the day come when the ladies can determine their fate by themselves? On the one hand we talk about liberalism and on the other; still we are giving continuity to the timeworn dogmas. Hey, wake up virginity is not to do with sex, its do with your attitude and heart. So, quelling their boundless potentials in the name of sensitive sex is merely the reflection of this totalitarian society.

Everyone has got his own share of right thus is not supposed to interfere upon others after all no man can do more than fill his own lungs though atmosphere is forty miles deep all around the globe. So let’s not make this world the hell of crime. The revolution in fact is to be initiated within the family after all it is where the rights are violated at most. So, let’s make haste before these appalling discriminations have distilled a great misfortune. For sure, everything changes down the lane of time but we always have every role to accelerate the snail paced development invited by time. And how many times we persist blaming our politicians? Let’s not flinch at least from today and let’s remain aplomb enough for the lame excuses to affect us. To cap it all, let’s put our efforts together so that one day the humanity will breathe freer and the world will grow brighter. That day of course paradise will be around our way. The discrimination ultimately will have lacked even the faintest space to spoil this human habitat once and for all.


(An article written for the women's day 2008)

Through the Lattice Window (Poem)

the day I was created was created the grave as well
that is waiting for me since the years ago
the trees I love the most will burn me that day
fumes of pyre will melt all my records away

in the secret pains and pleasures, my music is sure to fade
footprints will erode, image will dim, history wil bury again
my life, my biggest truth will be nothing but a myth
an allien to the world and a new life will be devised instead
nobody can see me even I blaze with sun
nobody can feel me even I merge with air

this is the trade of human life
to offer to the god till the flower blooms
and to spit over it once it wilthers down

even then,
every step destined to rule the world
to kiss the moon, nay! to wax and wane the star and sun
to swim in the streams of cloud, to swing in the huts of heart
to see the distance never seen, to walk the distance never trod

but my christ! my evangelina! I know
this is the dream where the earthly shadows fall
where our angels are raped cursed by Adam's tears
where our socrates dies and thus my paradise is lost
where the truth elopes within the rainbow of the world

as such,
I crave to win the world and so, I lose my life
marching to win the life will lose the battle with the world????

no, I can'ls dwell in this world, the world has to dwell on me
no, I can't go with this time, the time has to go with me

in this vast sandly desert, I'm searching a grain of sand
in this lifeless world of lives, I'm searching a true life
how can I behold the winds washing my dreams away?
how can I behold the sky gazing at me everyday?
how can I behold the winds washing my dreams away?
how can I behold the sky gazing at me everyday?

(this poem rife with confusions, composed nearly three years ago bagged me the first prize in the poem competition, S.M. College)

The day I died

This is one of my best article not because of the content but because of the 'stream of the consciousness' it was written with. i just kicked off the asleep mood all of sudden, woke up from the bed and started writing at the middle of night when everything was so still and silent.........

Here goes my expressions..

I knew the day will knock the door, as every other usual day. But it will remain worlds apart from them. Those days I was relishing the life. Ii was tending to live the life in fact which I barely did in my all borne days. And now the entire physique is eager tremendously to die. The difference between the life and the death is what the contrast between those days and the very moment I’m coping with.

It’s a real uphill task for me to count how many times I’d turn my deaf ear when anyone reiterated ‘you are to pop off one day.’ I know, I used to stand aplomb reacting as if I was an inevitable exception to this call of nature. Death as I was taught was a mere wonder for me, those days and now life in contrast has proved nothing but surprise for this eloping creature. Oh no, I fret! Myriads of 'identitities' whom I cherished so nearly and dearly have already departed. Left are just the memories, private memories which none can read nor can purloin but even this is about to leave me alone. Of course, believe me after all nothing in the world was mine. Not even the cloth that I wore and the rest – no deal at all. Believe in reason than in your senses. Ha! Ha I was seeking my identity n the world which could never be mine. I can’t even imagine how I dared avowing this treacherous illusion as the faith – faith to stand over for ever. Yes, now I am getting why I couldn’t live much in my life? Born with the time, die with time – we all are slave to it. Aren’t we? What do we have in fact! Alone, a….l…o…n…e…and a…l…o…n…e…and a…l…o…ne…e…a deadly life, brimful of illusion Still want to live?

On the spur of the moment, a strange sort of emotion is sailing across the bloody ocean. A lump came to my throat. You know, the death which I learnt wasn’t a big surprise for me for I was sure that I’m going to live after my death and I know I died a score of times before I lived. I don’t know whether I was familiar to death or the death was familiar to me but fur sure, it had been a seasonal occasion in my life. Every time it haunted me, I was like bare behaving somewhat in abiotic manner. The emotions entirely snipped out of me and the dearth of love all around. Lack of even the faintest gut to harvest yet another life with inspiration! I was dead and it is what the death meant to me till the day. Amid plethora of debacles, landslides and melancholy, I stayed there estranged by the world of animates, thus turned out to inanimate. I used to be starved of everything that constitute life and thus I used to die those days.

You know I do have an enough experience of death. It is sour, not even the tiniest space for sugar. Could there be as well? Could there be life in death indeed? I don’t know but I’m sure I never experienced it. And am I going to die after my death? It’s a hidden mystery yet to be unearthed! Anyways, the experience of life and death circulated as occasional phenomenon throughout my borne days. But for the first time I’m heading to die for this outer world.

I hear people often saying that’s the utility of struggle if the ultimate destination is to chuck away? In case of mine, I struggled just to live as I always found a life in that struggle. Ecstasy of living emanated from it after all the best thing in this world can never be obtained for free. We need to pay something more than cash for which I had to struggle. The moment I flopped, I died. Then is failure the death? I’m sure but I died for there was no life.

Slowly, slowly with the passing seconds, everything altered. The globe which I could never measure reduced its size, that even the retina could store it as well. The scorching sun remained dim for me. The brightest thing turned out to be the darkest one. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I was perplexed! Perplexed with whatever enigmatic phenomenon was picking around me. The colour faded, went discolored. Is I really? Is there dark while dying? Perhaps, perhaps…that’s why Africans are still dying and many prostitutes at the darkest at the darkest midnight.

In the meantime, I hear the air echoed with terrible screech all round the corner. The lamentation of those inn fated infants, the motherly yelling of this world, an unfathomable afflictions of those pregnant women – earthly creator battling for two lives at a second, the mounting curses of those satis, the crucifixion of Jesus and the agonizing death of Socrates! The tedious parables of life so that I could weave a sigh of relief for being off this nasty world! Rather the hesitation groomed in me – hesitation for not being able to clamp down such inhumanly human evils. The hesitation amplified as I flirted with the fact that I could never be human in this human life. My struggle ultimately was equated too less! The struggle which I thought to have been ample ultimately less! I still wonder I still wonder why the human survive in so much illusion? Why, why and why?

All these left me with full of vexation. I pine for the glimpse of this world for the last every other second. But more I witness more ambivalent blossomed in me – strong ambivalence for this illusive world. I lay there cornered by all those desperate fellows. Alas! Their faces enshrouded with agonies and the mushrooms of pathos blossoming across their pathetic eyes! Amid the piles of that intimacy, I was seeking for the isolation and I was fishing for the departure amid all those entreaties for unity. The world has always stood paradoxical to me! But for the last tie my heart felt like weeping a lot on the bosom of my dear well wishers. THANKS FOR ACCOMPANYING ME ALBEIT IN ILLUSION. …after all till I have well fathomed that weeping is not a weakness , rather is a satisfaction – a source of satisfaction within myself. Then is it a weakness to search a satisfaction within myself when I can no way get outside. Is it? Is it a weakness? At least, not for me and now I don’t believe what the other people say.

My dearest and the nearest ones are helplessly praying for yet another second. Too fickle the human beings are and too powerless as well. Much astonishingly, can’t control even a second. Now the condition so faltered that it’s a difficult for me to dig out the beauty in that dazzling moon, freshness in the chirpy birds and a vastness in that damn ocean. Nothing is great but people tend to make it so. So fake the world is! So artificial the things are with which the people attempt to hide the realities. To no avail since it gets transpired to everyone some day near or far. People figure out everything then. And thus live their life in fullest for the first time. The day one lives, s/he is supposed to ‘die’. He has no space after all in this already dead world. I was on the verge of it.

Death thus is a moment when the people identify the world where they stand. This very process of identifying is getting slowly exhausted to me. Slowly, slowly… it was in its last leg. The world shrinks into an atom The pyre for me, the rivers flowing aside, the sky overhead everything!
e…..v….e……r….t…..h….i…n….g….waned. alvida to you all! S..l..o..w..l..y, s…..l……o…..w……l…..y i…..w….a……s….d…..y……i….n……g….i………..w…………..a………………..s………….d…………..y……………i…………………n……………..g.
But still, I don’t know whether I was dying or this world. ..still, in illusion????

Classical Science Challenged

'No i don't, i believe in science and not in god.' It is not too much of a stretch to expect this answer if anybody is asked 'do you believe in god." I was one of them. I was training myself to believe only in empirical stuffs, something that can be testified, can be experimented, can be observed...and so forth, to discern only those things as valid and true which can exactly accomodate itself to the parameters of positivistic science. But now it remains challenged. The reality, lets say supreme reality is still out of line with the realms of classical science. And its not the spirituality questioned here but its the science that has yet to traverse the dimensions of 'spiritual reality' and lend a momentum to its 'measurement' version of science. Yeah not a small potato! Quantum physics must be exploring in those untrodded areas.

Truly, the world is so interconnected. 'Touch the rose and stars will be shaken' goes the saying. Whatever goes back is bound to come back!

Sometimes i chew it over if it gives meaning to relate this reciprocity with our traditional 'pitriarpan' too? It is conceived in spirituality that two objects if they have a common origin, will always remain to effect one another regardless of how far (light years) they are. A human body since built up of 'panchatatwa' - earth, fire, water, light and sky(sound) ends up in the same universe even after death (or from the standoint of universe, does this living or dead makes any difference) and so I wonder whether or not this 'pitriarpan' has anything to do with rendering positive impact to the 'dead' 'pitri', and vice versa, the giver and the receptor, by the rule, are rooted in the same origin. We tend to find myriads of such rites and rituals with one or the other scientific reasons behind . And all these waves of questions put my head in a whirl!

Unfortunately, we have failed to grasp the immense values of our own heritage and philosophies. We have accepted to be colonized and are accustomed to perceiving the world with the western eye to the extent our own wealth has remained our of sight. We should respect our matchless spiritual heritage. In similar vein, I staunchly opine they have the wonderful answers to the questions sorrounding life, universe and every other thing that concerns us. Making spirituality, meditation and yoga, routine of the day adds to our being and no wonder its propels us closer and closer to the 'true science'.

Spirituality and science in the truest of their terms, differ only in their approaches and not in findings. I bet!