This is one of my best article not because of the content but because of the 'stream of the consciousness' it was written with. i just kicked off the asleep mood all of sudden, woke up from the bed and started writing at the middle of night when everything was so still and silent.........
Here goes my expressions..
I knew the day will knock the door, as every other usual day. But it will remain worlds apart from them. Those days I was relishing the life. Ii was tending to live the life in fact which I barely did in my all borne days. And now the entire physique is eager tremendously to die. The difference between the life and the death is what the contrast between those days and the very moment I’m coping with.
It’s a real uphill task for me to count how many times I’d turn my deaf ear when anyone reiterated ‘you are to pop off one day.’ I know, I used to stand aplomb reacting as if I was an inevitable exception to this call of nature. Death as I was taught was a mere wonder for me, those days and now life in contrast has proved nothing but surprise for this eloping creature. Oh no, I fret! Myriads of 'identitities' whom I cherished so nearly and dearly have already departed. Left are just the memories, private memories which none can read nor can purloin but even this is about to leave me alone. Of course, believe me after all nothing in the world was mine. Not even the cloth that I wore and the rest – no deal at all. Believe in reason than in your senses. Ha! Ha I was seeking my identity n the world which could never be mine. I can’t even imagine how I dared avowing this treacherous illusion as the faith – faith to stand over for ever. Yes, now I am getting why I couldn’t live much in my life? Born with the time, die with time – we all are slave to it. Aren’t we? What do we have in fact! Alone, a….l…o…n…e…and a…l…o…n…e…and a…l…o…ne…e…a deadly life, brimful of illusion Still want to live?
On the spur of the moment, a strange sort of emotion is sailing across the bloody ocean. A lump came to my throat. You know, the death which I learnt wasn’t a big surprise for me for I was sure that I’m going to live after my death and I know I died a score of times before I lived. I don’t know whether I was familiar to death or the death was familiar to me but fur sure, it had been a seasonal occasion in my life. Every time it haunted me, I was like bare behaving somewhat in abiotic manner. The emotions entirely snipped out of me and the dearth of love all around. Lack of even the faintest gut to harvest yet another life with inspiration! I was dead and it is what the death meant to me till the day. Amid plethora of debacles, landslides and melancholy, I stayed there estranged by the world of animates, thus turned out to inanimate. I used to be starved of everything that constitute life and thus I used to die those days.
You know I do have an enough experience of death. It is sour, not even the tiniest space for sugar. Could there be as well? Could there be life in death indeed? I don’t know but I’m sure I never experienced it. And am I going to die after my death? It’s a hidden mystery yet to be unearthed! Anyways, the experience of life and death circulated as occasional phenomenon throughout my borne days. But for the first time I’m heading to die for this outer world.
I hear people often saying that’s the utility of struggle if the ultimate destination is to chuck away? In case of mine, I struggled just to live as I always found a life in that struggle. Ecstasy of living emanated from it after all the best thing in this world can never be obtained for free. We need to pay something more than cash for which I had to struggle. The moment I flopped, I died. Then is failure the death? I’m sure but I died for there was no life.
Slowly, slowly with the passing seconds, everything altered. The globe which I could never measure reduced its size, that even the retina could store it as well. The scorching sun remained dim for me. The brightest thing turned out to be the darkest one. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I was perplexed! Perplexed with whatever enigmatic phenomenon was picking around me. The colour faded, went discolored. Is I really? Is there dark while dying? Perhaps, perhaps…that’s why Africans are still dying and many prostitutes at the darkest at the darkest midnight.
In the meantime, I hear the air echoed with terrible screech all round the corner. The lamentation of those inn fated infants, the motherly yelling of this world, an unfathomable afflictions of those pregnant women – earthly creator battling for two lives at a second, the mounting curses of those satis, the crucifixion of Jesus and the agonizing death of Socrates! The tedious parables of life so that I could weave a sigh of relief for being off this nasty world! Rather the hesitation groomed in me – hesitation for not being able to clamp down such inhumanly human evils. The hesitation amplified as I flirted with the fact that I could never be human in this human life. My struggle ultimately was equated too less! The struggle which I thought to have been ample ultimately less! I still wonder I still wonder why the human survive in so much illusion? Why, why and why?
All these left me with full of vexation. I pine for the glimpse of this world for the last every other second. But more I witness more ambivalent blossomed in me – strong ambivalence for this illusive world. I lay there cornered by all those desperate fellows. Alas! Their faces enshrouded with agonies and the mushrooms of pathos blossoming across their pathetic eyes! Amid the piles of that intimacy, I was seeking for the isolation and I was fishing for the departure amid all those entreaties for unity. The world has always stood paradoxical to me! But for the last tie my heart felt like weeping a lot on the bosom of my dear well wishers. THANKS FOR ACCOMPANYING ME ALBEIT IN ILLUSION. …after all till I have well fathomed that weeping is not a weakness , rather is a satisfaction – a source of satisfaction within myself. Then is it a weakness to search a satisfaction within myself when I can no way get outside. Is it? Is it a weakness? At least, not for me and now I don’t believe what the other people say.
My dearest and the nearest ones are helplessly praying for yet another second. Too fickle the human beings are and too powerless as well. Much astonishingly, can’t control even a second. Now the condition so faltered that it’s a difficult for me to dig out the beauty in that dazzling moon, freshness in the chirpy birds and a vastness in that damn ocean. Nothing is great but people tend to make it so. So fake the world is! So artificial the things are with which the people attempt to hide the realities. To no avail since it gets transpired to everyone some day near or far. People figure out everything then. And thus live their life in fullest for the first time. The day one lives, s/he is supposed to ‘die’. He has no space after all in this already dead world. I was on the verge of it.
Death thus is a moment when the people identify the world where they stand. This very process of identifying is getting slowly exhausted to me. Slowly, slowly… it was in its last leg. The world shrinks into an atom The pyre for me, the rivers flowing aside, the sky overhead everything!
e…..v….e……r….t…..h….i…n….g….waned. alvida to you all! S..l..o..w..l..y, s…..l……o…..w……l…..y i…..w….a……s….d…..y……i….n……g….i………..w…………..a………………..s………….d…………..y……………i…………………n……………..g.
But still, I don’t know whether I was dying or this world. ..still, in illusion????
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